Boundaries

Coming home to ourselves and getting clear on our needs

Many of us think of boundaries as sets of rules or ultimatums that we implement to safeguard our needs. This may work sometimes, but it serves more as a way of expressing preferences and making firm requests. It's really not someone else's job to cater to us. Even if they somehow did try to fulfill our needs, eventually resentment and power imbalances would begin to permeate the relationship.

Boundaries are actually more about us than other people. It involves the process of self-attunement and getting clear on our needs so that we can communicate them in a way that makes us responsible for getting them met. It's important to have a plan of action that we are prepared to take in the event that the boundary is not respected. If we're not expressing a follow through, then it's simply a firm request, not a boundary. As we mentally rehearse our boundaries, we have to make sure that we're choosing a follow-through that feels actionable, not scary or too difficult to do.

And lastly, we need to practice using “I” statements and a neutral tone as much as possible. This part is crucial. The more accountable and regulated we learn to communicate, the more empowered we are and the less likely to elicit defensiveness in the other person. Think of it as the same tone of voice you would use if checking on a restaurant's wait list while pressed for time, “If the wait is long, we'll try another place.” It's not meant to be offensive. Try to be informative, clear and easy to understand.

Example:

“You're so rude! Stop criticizing my appearance every time we talk on the phone.” -Request

“I don't want to hear criticisms of my appearance. If it happens again, I'm going to hang up the phone and we'll have to reschedule our call.” -Boundary with actionable consequence and neutral tone.

“If you keep criticizing my appearance, I'll never call you again!” -Boundary with anger and consequences that may be difficult to uphold and could make us less believable going forward.

Try it out:

• As you think about a situation or relationship, become aware of something that feels hurtful, too much, or is misaligned with your values.

• Sense into what would feel better. What's missing? What is something you could use a little more of next time? What behavior, frequency, or intensity could you use less of?

• Communicate with neutrality. Speak up on behalf of your needs with clearly stated actions that you will take in the event that the ask isn't possible or heard. No need for yelling or ultimatums or threats.