Three telltale signs to help you decide if this relationship has what it takes.

Stay or go? Either way, making a decision by first getting clear on these foundational aspects is invaluable.

Relationships change. You're not the same people you were when you met three years or three decades ago. So here you are, feeling some serious doubts, wondering if it's still worth the fight.

By now you understand that the honeymoon stage wasn't meant to last, and you've accepted that relationships are a shared space that requires active maintenance and keep up. If you're reading this, my guess is that you're feeling less than wonderful in your relationship and you are starting to wonder if it's just a phase, something figure-outable, or the kind of more serious unbridgeable stuff that you shouldn't ignore.

Keeping your heart safe is your responsibility. Knowing how to do that requires clarity and an honest look at what's going on. There's a difference between your partner not being at their best, and your partner not being relationally skilled. If they're struggling or going through something that is getting in the way of them showing up for you, give them some grace. But these should be temporary states. If the disconnection is cyclical, prolonged or starting to feel normalized, that's not ideal for your dear heart.

Here are some telltale signs that your relationship isn't aligned and that more effort, time or investment likely won't yield the changes you desire.

1. When there is no curiosity toward each other's inner landscape. Attention is the only currency of care. Without the willingness to reciprocate genuine interest, how can we be a part of each other's life, let alone get to know our needs? Preferences and aversions are the indicators of our core values, and these dictate our needs. It's important to check in and frequently update what we know about the things that light us up and tick us off, otherwise we risk running on assumptions. For example, you may know that your partner doesn’t enjoy surprises, but have you asked why? When did it start? What does it remind them of? What do they worry about or feel uncomfortable with when surprised? Paying attention to what contributes to each other's unmet needs helps scaffold relational growth. Our inner world craves to be witnessed and truly known. If our partner isn't willing to hold space for our personal meaning makings, we miss out on much more than personal stories. Our inner world craves to be witnessed and truly known.

2. When we are not able to take accountability because it feels like giving in, fault finding or contributing to right-wrong mentality. Accountability requires self-initiated awareness, empathy and understanding of the impact we have on each other. It's not the same as admitting fault. If we're saying sorry without true growth or change, we'll repeat the hurt. With accountability, the motivating energy is shared wellbeing not temporary peace. Having discussions about the impact of our behavior should come from a place of care. If it feels like a power struggle, control dynamic or has an energy of righteousness, we're simply strengthening one another's shame based fears.

3. When we no longer feel comfortable being vulnerable, whether we're aware of it or not, our defenses are up. We need to feel safe to share. In order to deepen closeness, understanding and trust, we need to sense that we're not too much, or too needy, or too anything that makes us feel unlovable. When was the last time you were able to truly let your guard down? When you open up about your insecurities, do you feel judged or understood? The innermost parts of us feel vulnerable in the first place because they were likely met with hurtful or unattuned responses when we were little. We didn't choose these experiences and it's understandable for these parts to be there. In fact, what they would really benefit from is having an experience that doesn't end with more hurt. Connection stays superficial without vulnerability so make sure the person you share your best with, is also someone who values sharing these other tender parts too.